Week 31- Where did the last 9 weeks go?

Ok let's catch up a bit. 

Over the last 9 weeks, i've resigned from my job, turned 34 years old, celebrated Thanksgiving, passed my glucose test (thank goodness) and it absolutely looks like i've swallowed a watermelon according to my father (Thanks, Dad). 

It's been a bit of a whirlwind, but in a good way. 

I have no idea where Week 23 pic went, so on to week 24!

I have no idea how everyone listened to me ramble for 40+ weeks before. You guys are literally the best. 

The last 9 weeks have been good and emotional. It's no doubt I've been more emotional this pregnancy than all the rest. The holidays always stir up a lot of emotion anyway, and this is the first one since my mom passed. Whether or not you have a good relationship with your parents, it's still one that your subconscious will not ignore. Sometimes these surface, when you're making an old recipe, or remember a time that wasn't a dumpster fire. Whatever the case, it's always important to be gentle with yourself. Cognitive behavior therapy taught me a good way to cope with these memories and re-route them to a positive one and if you can't then acknowledge the bad memory and move forward, not suppressing. 

Thank goodness for therapy. So much of what we don't consciously think about often surfaces in our dreams. Pregnancy dreams are weird enough, believe me, but adding this has definitely added to my emotional vulnerability this year. Toxic people always tend to rear their ugly faces this time of the year. My advice for recovering from such an encounter will always be to take the higher road. Always try to see the good, even if the good is hard to see because it's covered in too much lipstick and unresolved toxic behavior. 

I turned 34 years old. Every year I have a birthday is seriously a blessing. Really anyone who has a birthday, really should be celebrated. After this last year, I think it was a big reminder of what is important. Honestly, I've loved every year i've gotten older. I'm able to become more of myself and literally not care about anything else, but enriching what I have. I think as i've aged becoming a better parent has become a priority. My children are always watching and I'm praying I always be the best I can be for them. 

I really have to stop a minute and talk about my husband, Matt. He's always so busy and always tries so hard to make time for his family which has not been easy the last part of this year. I really have been so grateful for him. 

I resigned from my job. In the last 9 weeks, my mental health has improved greatly. It's amazing what happens when you're able to distance yourself from bagging up bodies every shift (sorry, not sorry, for being blunt). I feel for my co-workers that tirelessly do this job every day. When you're in the thick of doing a job that is heavy every single day, you really lose sight of your own life. These days i'm more present for my kids. I'm able to finally listen to my body and pay attention to my anxiety. 

I'll be back in the ICU one day, hopefully a day that i'm able to give a little more. I really have so much to learn, but have created a great foundation with some amazing people that continuously poured so much knowledge into my practice, for that i'll always be grateful. 

On to all the baby stats. 

So far Baby Coates the 3rd is already FOUR pounds. His weight percentile dropped from 82% ti 62%. Thank goodness. I have to say I have been watching my diet and doing a little more more movement, other than chasing my children. I still have nightmares about delivering a 10 pound child, walking straight out of the womb. Literally these pregnancy dreams are the worst. 

Cravings: Naturally carbs. I passed my 1 hour glucose test the day after Thanksgiving. I was super proud of this. I also have been craving meats again. This has been good, because being in the third trimester I've always been anemic, except for this one. 

Aversions: NOTHING. It's really a first.

Baby Coates the 3rd is measuring slightly ahead. His cute little due date is 2/22/22, which is on a TWOSday (tuesday, pun intended). I mean how perfect is this date?! We all know this wont happen. My children don't give a crap about their due date and it's really just there to taunt me. 

This post has been long winded and if you've read this long, bless you.

As we go into the New Year, I hope that everyone is met with grace. Grace is something that is very hard for me to comprehend, I was always told that accomplishments and output is a measure of self-worth. It's taken me 34 years to know that it isn't. 

This really resonated with me and I hope that it does with you too. 

Until next time friends. 

Week 22: I stopped waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel, and lit that bitch up myself.

 Week 22: This week has proven to be great and trying all at the same time. 

I've always said I'd let my body let me know when enough is enough. Well at Week 22, my body had enough. It's the most stressed out i've been in a while. 

The other day I was out of ratio for the day because only 4 RNs showed up to care for 14 patients. 

THIS IS NEVER OK FOR THE ICU. ICU RNS ARE REALLY ONLY SUPPOSED TO HAVE 2 PATIENTS AT A TIME. WE CANNOT ADEQUATELY CARE FOR MORE THAN THAT AND HAVE SAFE OUTCOMES. I HAD 3 PATIENTS AND WAS HELPING OUT WITH AN EXTRA PATIENT. 4 CRITICAL PATIENTS. I didn't get to drink much water this day. I didn't go to the bathroom. I didn't take care of myself. 

I've been living a double life for a while. One at work and one at home. Most people's lives coincide and you can live that way, mine can't, not healthily anyways.  

I love the ICU. I think that I've always been an ICU RN at heart. I don't want covid to change this but being preggo and trying to juggle has come to a head. It was a really hard decision, but I'm not leaving nursing altogether. Never, could I do this, but I'm going to take some time for my family which incidentally has taken the back burner since this new wave has started, and really hit New Mexico in August. 

Emotionally I am spent, the tragedy I see on a normal basis shouldn't be a reality. It's heartbreaking and it's breaking broken my spirit.  I know I speak for healthcare workers when I say this. All of us feel this way. I don't see this wave dissipating for awhile at least not until people decide that vaccines are the way to go. 

When I hear people bitch about wearing a mask, it makes me want to shake them. If anyone has seen the tragedy behind the closed doors of our ICU, they wouldn't never question wearing a mask. I'm going to reel myself in right now, because this could turn into a long tangent that I don't have the strength to fight right now. I'm just so tired of bagging up bodies right now. When it becomes an every day occurrence it's too much. 

My disposition has always been pretty bright and bubbly, but I really feel this year has dimmed it quite a bit. I'm the most cynical i've ever been and my compassion is just not there. 

This is healthcare right now.  

This is not me. I will not let this destroy anymore of my happiness. I love my coworkers and I believe in all the good we do everyday, but I must jump off this sinking ship for now. 

Changing gears. 

I ran my first 5K in a long time. Running is something I haven't been able to really do too much this pregnancy, because of needing to pee every 5 minutes. However, baby has finally moved positions and allowing a reprieve for my bladder. Well I still had to find a bush to pee in, but it was great. Doing this with some of my favorite people brought me so much joy. 

I will not lie, being around people in this live race gave me quite a bit of anxiety, but that's something that I'll work through. It won't be a pretty process, but as long as I try, I know it will get better. 

It has been months since I've had this much fun. Truly. 

THEN in the afternoon we had Tea at Los Poblanos. If you ever come to Albuquerque, NM, you have to go to Los Poblanos. This little place is a lavender farm/farm shop/restaurant/inn and it is literally the most whimsical place you could find yourself. 

I have to say truly the best part of my day are the people I shared it with. People that love you in some of your darkest times, and still want to hang out with you. Those are your people. 

Baby stats this week: 

Baby is moving and actually doing quite well. We had an ultrasound last week and everything looks perfect. Could I ask for anything better? No. So i'm counting my blessings this week and every week. 

Cravings: Celery. No clue why. I mean, I do love Celery quite a bit normally, but it's been satisfying this week. Anything with tomatoes. So weird. I'm all about tomato basil soup right now. 

Aversions: Beef. Can't do it. Doesn't sound good. The other meats are ok. 

I'm hoping taking time off will help me focus on what is important, my mental health and the wellness of my family. I hoping to spend time with friends and gain back a light in my life that i've allowed to become dim. There is always hope. 

I stopped waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel and lit that bitch up myself. I saw this quote the other day and really took it to heart. I hope everyone finds the courage do this at some point in their life. I really do. 

Until next time! 

Week 18-Week 21: When every time you get a cold, you actually think you might die these days.

 Some how the last 5 weeks have gone by without a post. If this isn't any indication what 3rd child problems are I don't know what is. 

Here are my obligatory baby bump pics. 

Week 20 I thought I had coronavirus. Turns out I didn't. However, just because I work in healthcare doesn't mean I'm immune to all the nasty shit that comes through the door. 

Bedbugs. Scabies. Covid. MRSA. 

You name it. Stuff that you didn't even know that was out there. Truth be told i'm actually more afraid of Bedbugs than I am of Covid. 

I know i'm not alone in this. 

I haven't been sick in over a year. Really. And the one time I get sick, I can't take any cold medicine. None. So I basically sat for days with a head cold, praying it would let up while my husband traveled out of town, with two children that could careless about my condition. <rant over>

But really are the rants really ever over here?

In other news, I got my kids a bunk bed. 

This probably wasn't ideal, because only one kids sleeps in there, while the other one (who shall remain nameless), says she is actually scared of the top bunk and refuses to sleep in there. 

Our rationale was that we are moving in less than a year to a location with a house that probably won't accommodate 4 bedrooms, which we currently have. 

The bunk bed was a nightmare to put together. It came in 6 boxes from Overstock, but I will say the quality is quite amazing. I was really impressed. Also, my marriage is still intact. 

The good news is it's all together. How do I get both of my kids to stay in their bed overnight??! We've rocked the boat and finally had to take Eli out of the crib, which it's crazy to say he probably would have been content in there for a few more years, but at 3 years old, it was time. Now he gets out of bed at all hours of the night and we're paying for it. 

BUT we needed the crib for the baby and the kids needed to get used to sleeping in the same room. 

Any pointers would be amazing at this point. 

Please don't tell me i'm a baby and I need to get over it, because my heart literally can't take it right now. 

Preggo symptoms over the past few weeks! 

Cravings: CARBS are still the number one craving. Could be crackers or fruit, doesn't matter. I'm baking quite a bit these days so I'm one to eat my creations. ALSO, the Great British Baking Show has a new season, which i'm sure i'm late on, but that show always makes me motivated to try something new! Cottage cheese, V8, and sunchips are still consumed on the reg over here. 

Aversions: Still certain meats. If there is a dish with too much meat, I won't eat it. I've been cooking a lot of vegetarian options. 

Movement: I'm still working 3 days a week and still able to do quite a bit out and about. I'll ride this train until it has to slow down. I signed up for a Sugar skull 5k with some of my friends at the end of this month, at this point, I just want to finish. Sounds crazy since earlier this year I completed a half marathon in the coldest weather imaginable. 

Until next week my friends!!

Week 17: Is it a baby or a beer belly?

Week 17 has been one of those awkward weeks, because people look at you weird thinking hmmmm... is she just fat? or is there a child in there? I feel like my stomach looks totally normal in the morning and then by the afternoon, i'm all out there. 

My preggo clothes don't fit yet, and then my regular clothes are feeling a bit snug. So I'm not exactly sure which direction I need to go, but i'll tell you what would help. 

FALL. WEATHER. 

All my oversized sweater would really help me right now. However, in the ABQ, we are still basking in 90 degree weather. Rude. If anyone wants to come at me for the last comment, No I don't hate summer, but Jesus I was not made for Summer weather. Nevermind what my winter self told me earlier this spring. I. Cant. Hang. 

I went to Trader Joe's and experienced all the fall things. Pumpkin is in full bloom and so are the sugar skulls. I'm literally doing everything I can not to decorate for Halloween yet. 

I'm not sure i'm that strong. Last year, Sept 1, I put all my spooky stuff up. This year I'm trying to have some restraint. 

I'm getting really excited about Balloon Fiesta. I'm not sure if we will go to the festival or not, because I have some serious PTSD about crowds, but I am excited for the feel of a new season. I think we all are. 

I'm still on my sourdough kick. 

Peep my sweet take on Cinnamon and sugar sourdough bread. She's so pretty. Probably my best one yet. I'm able to keep my sourdough starter alive. This gives me hope that I'll actually be able to keep 3 children alive at once during a pandemic. Y'all, I have really lowered expectations these days. 

Week 17 BEBE stats! 

If you ever wondered how my bladder feels in this pregnancy, have no fear, this picture explains everything. You see those little fists? 

Every. 10. Minutes. I. Must. PEE. 

This in no way is conducive to my work life. 

He's completely healthy and measuring big, a week bigger in fact. Here's to hoping he's not as big as Allie, because I don't know if my nether regions can handle another episiotomy. Yes, I still overshare here, nothing has changed. 

This week my hormonal outbursts are at an all time high. My children are really the ones who have endured this and bless them. I feel as though the mood swings could cause whiplash. 

During this pregnancy, I have purged alot of my house. Way more than normal. I do feel like my inner Marie Kondo is coming through. Could be good? Could have nothing left by the time this child comes?Who knows? I also feel like I don't want to move with a whole bunch of shit, like I did last time from California to New Mexico. 

Cravings: Still on my V8 kick. Trader Joe's onion chips. I really am a monster. I'm a huge fan of their okra chips. But these onion things are great. They are not like the crispy onions you put on green bean casserole. I'm hoping these salty vibes aren't forever. 

Aversions: Eating full meals. This is a weird one. Usually i'm a finish your plate kinda gal, not now. I can fully be ready to put something away and in the middle, i'll just stop eating and go find something else, like a bowl of cereal. 

I have lots of energy still. I'm going to keep riding this train until the wheels fall off. I'm so ambitious, I think i'll run a 5K at Thanksgiving at 28 weeks. I haven't ran more than 3 miles this entire pregnancy. Whatever. I'm really in it for the turkey gloves, which I'm sure my daughter will run off with and wear for the next year.  

Thanks for listening to my weekly rants, friends! Until next week! 

Week 16: Turns out we're all just a sponge.

This week I had started on a really low note. Things aren't going very well at work, not personally but just the feel of the ICU. It really is so different from last year. Young people are dying for no good reason other than the C-19 (and unvaccinated) and it's heart breaking. 

Let me say that again, it's really fucking heart breaking. 

We coded a 20 year old. 20. Years. Old. There was nothing we could do to save him. Nothing. 

Do you know how that makes me feel? 

Worthless. Defeated. These adjectives are to name a few. 

This is my reality. 

Every week. 

Every shift.

This is what is asked of a critical care nurse. 

I've advocated many, many times for therapy. It's really a part of my daily life. I see my therapist 2x a month, which has really served me well. I feel like every time i've gone to therapy I always leave feeling much better than when I started my session. This week we touched on how the grieving process of my mother, but then we switched gears and talked about my experiences at work. For the most part, being a pregnant ICU nurse, I feel ok. I have really, really sad days, but mostly i'm able to leave those experiences at work and not think about them at home. I am fortunate. However, I would be lying to you if I didn't also grieve the loss of some of my patients at home. I guess that's the empathy part of being a nurse and what makes me human. If you think things don't affect nurses and docs the same way you're affected in the real world you'd be wrong. 

I think most health care workers right now feel like a sponge that is over-saturated. There is too much water and the water needs to be wrung out. The water represents feelings, emotions, over-stimulation of grief. Something really important my therapist told me is that we need to rid the water when we can. We need to get rid of things that don't serve us in the moment. It's absolutely true. For me it's blocking out the noise of social media and picking up a book. Or playing with my children and getting rid of the outside world for just a bit. This doesn't mean i'm sticking my head in the sand, it means i'm able to be mindful and stay in the moment. 

I don't write this post for sympathy. I write this as a perspective of my on-going therapy/life and hope that someone else is able to relate or feel less alone. 

Something I get a lot these days:"Well you don't have to do this, you can just quit". 

It's true. I can.

Some people feel called to ministering to the poor. You don't do it because you have to, you do it because you're hoping in some small way, you can make a difference. I guess i'm not ready to hang my hat up because I feel like in the wake of something horrible, I want to make a small bit of difference. Even if it means that the outcome won't be favorable. Or maybe years from now, the experiences that I've had over the last year will serve me better as a health care professional. I guess I won't know until I know. 

Lots of big feels this week, but in a good way. Our thoughts are much better out in the open than the ones we ever keep in our head... it's a-lot less heavier that way.  

On to much lighter topics like my hair. 

Shout out to my friend, Ashley, who singlehandedly helped me track (stalk) down my stylist who left the studio I normally go to. Anywho I found her and she worked her magic!! If you're in the ABQ area and need a great stylist, I have one and am happy to message her contact!! 

Ok we need to touch on my hair. In 33 years, I've never dyed my hair. never had a weird phase in high school or College with pink hair. I've pretty much maintained the same thing until now. At first, I didn't know if I was going to like it. I have to say I woke up this morning and feel like i'm new again. 

My mood was lighter. I did something for me. Something different. In times like these, it's so easy to give up all of yourself to something without saving a piece of your soul for yourself. I feel like i'm able to hold on to a little bit more every week without expending all my energy into something that doesn't always serve me back. 

Baby stats for Week 16. 

This is the week, I began feeling pregnant. My hips felt a little less pliable this week. Much of my time is spent on my feet, my children have no remorse for my condition. They expect us to go, go, go as much as possible. I also am able to see my bump. A sweet little bump i've been longing to see for 16 weeks. Honestly to the whole world it really still looks like a food baby or a beer belly at best. 

I have another anatomy scan this next week, which I'm very excited for. This pregnancy gives me so much to look forward to. 

Cravings: I am all about savory foods this week. I'm back on avocado and eggs.  I can eat pork because it's salty to match my attitude these days. 

Aversions: Meat. I still only find veggie options. 

This is the week that I felt this little bebe move. I thought it was gas. Turns out it was a baby. He's already a mover and a shaker and he brightens my mood every single day. 

Anywho friends, here's to all the brighter days ahead and all the good times that will be here again. 

Week 15- Baby Coates is a.....

 BOY OH BOY OH BOY. I'm shocked. I seriously thought this was a girl. 

Really we had an array of emotions in our house. Allie was a little devastated this is not a girl.  

We are thrilled. This baby is healthy and growing and seriously that's all we could ask for. Shout out to my friend Catherine. She made this beautiful cake for me. I'm so thankful for her and her friendship. This cake was amazing.  

Then we had a boy that was not sure why we were eating cake but nevertheless was here for all of it. 

This week has been pretty full. Lots of stuff going on. 

Allie had a tonsilectomy. I could write a saga on how that's been going... Really trying to reason with a 5 year old is has its ebbs and flows. 

First of all, tantrums are still in full swing. I thought we were over that stage. 

We're definitely not. 

Trying to get a 5 year old to drink water or even soup at this point is so hard. It really has to be her idea. This infuriates the RN in me. I'm used to working with adults, even the poutiest ones. Kids have their own language and perceptions, Matt has been really great with her, while i'm on Team JUST TAKE THE WATER/TYLENOL/MOTRIN BECAUSE I SAID. These hormones have not helped. We wake up diligently every 3 hours at night to make sure she take the motrin and tylenol alternatively to stay ahead of the pain. It makes me feel like im not ready for a newborn stage again at 33. 

We also celebrated this boy's 3rd birthday. 

THREE. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? It was a Spiderman/Batman themed day. He had everything he wanted. Our Eli Andrew is too big. When they tell you babies don't keep. They mean it. I literally remember everything about this day three years ago, it was labor day weekend and I was 41 weeks preggo. I wanted nothing more than this child to exit my body. It was hot. I didn't have central A/C in my california house and my two year old child at the time did not know the meaning of a rest day. I did stairs at the park that morning while trying to will myself to have contractions strong enough to go to the hospital. At 11:47pm on September 4, he was here. I love this sweet boy so much. He is going to be the best big brother I could ask for. 

As if my plate isn't overflowing enough, to distract myself from the outside world, I've been baking bread. I finally kept a sourdough starter alive long enough to use it. I'm super proud of these. The first is a traditional sourdough. 

I'm super proud of this one. It's a green chile cheese sourdough and I'm so happy with how beautiful she turned out. Matt has approved of this new venture in this pregnancy. Now I pray I don't gain a million pounds. 

Last but never least my preggo stats for the week! 

Obligatory 15 week picture. It literally looks like I have a food baby. When I tell people I'm actually pregnant no one believes me. I had one co-worker that said he thought I was kidding. Wut? Why would I kid about being 15 weeks pregnant. I'm not this moody on a regular basis. Or maybe I am? Oh well!

Cravings: Still craving all the pickles, cooked sushi, V8 (it's been like 4 cans a day, I don't know what's going on here), SALTY carbs. Salty meats. Edamame. Veggies. Celery and cottage cheese. 

Aversions: I'm getting over the meats, but largely won't due beef unless its jerky. 

Still able to work 3 days a week at work. Physically I feel strong and can do most things. I've felt like getting back on the bike after my unfortunate dog bite, which is almost 85% better. 

Here's to the next week and starting to compile a list of baby names!! 

Week 14: I probably should just wrap myself in a bubble for the rest of this pregnancy.

 Why would I expect this pregnancy wouldn't be as eventful as everything else in my life?

Turns out. 

I'm one of those accident prone people that stuff just happens to. 

Yes. I was bit by another dog. This time I was walking up to the bus stop waiting for Allie girl to get home and a white dog that I have seen a dozen times, lunged while on a leash and bit my thigh. 

Of course, Matt is in Colorado and I am a MESS. Eli was having a meltdown on the sidewalk about something else and I am wounded. I'm just glad it was me and not Eli. I probably would have lost my mind if Eli was bit. Lucky for me, I had an amazing neighbor and she took in my kiddos immediately without question while I went to urgent care. 

I was super lucky, I got to urgent care and they got me in without an appointment and I was in and out in 20 minutes. Was I a blubbering mess when I got there? Yes. Did that probably help expedite the process. Absolutely. 

Right after

Day 1

Result: 10 days of antibiotics and one day off of work. I'm fine. Leg is a bit sore, but otherwise i'm ok. No stitches for puncture wounds and dog was fully vaccinated this time. 

Why is it terrible things always happen when my husband is TDY? Remember the stolen purse incident? Where I had no money for a week? Or when my kids decide to get really sick with RSV and ear infections for days? 

Military life. And now i'm insane for adding a third baby to the mix. Just madness, people. Madness.

Any who. Let's change gears and talk about all the weird shit i'm eating these days. Probably the weirdest cravings yet. 

Obligatory Bump pic: 

Cravings: 

Sunchips and cottage cheese. Matt thinks i'm a monster. No idea why this combination is amazing. 

Green olives stuffed with garlic. Black olives. Give me all the fats right now. 

Tuna. Who am I? I'm not a huge tuna person unless it's raw in a sushi roll. But somehow these tuna kits are where it's at. 

Pickled Okra. I am from the south, so i'll just blame this one on genetics. The only thing I won't eat that's pickled is pig feet and eggs. Ok, who actually eats pig feet anyway?

V8. I've been drinking it like crazy. Just pour all the salt into my body and watch me bloat. 

Cantaloupe/watermelon/strawberries/oranges

COLD cereal. I don't discriminate, i've found myself eating this right after I eat dinner. 

Aversions: 

Meat. I can't do it. I can do chicken and shrimp. No beef by any means. I'm really hoping this changes. 

Movement: Still able to work 36 hours a week on my feet, and able to go on mile long walks and Peloton bike rides. My goal is for this baby to slip right on out. 

So I have a goal to have at least 75 rides this year on the bike (currently at 35 rides) and to continue walking for my run the year goal. Although I won't reach my goal, I'm still motivated to move more in this pregnancy than I did in the other two, because something tells me my appetite will only grow from here. 

I think I've had enough excitement for one week, one month and even for the rest of this year. 

Until next week!