Image Map

Tuesday, July 20, 2021

An Ode to Mom

Mom and I, Obligatory bluebonnet picture, 1988 probably. 

My heart hurts. 

To say the least the last week of my life has proven to be hard. I sit here with my dog as he tries to console me because somehow animals know exactly what you're feeling. 

I come back to this blog because I need to get these thoughts out of my head. 

My mom is gone. Forever 62. She passed away suddenly last Monday. Wrapping your head around your mother never being here again is a hard concept. It's even harder when you realize you didn't have a good relationship. She didn't have a good relationship with many people, her mental illness wouldn't allow it. 

I take that really hard. 

Mom had multiple mental illnesses that alienated her from her kids and her family. The same mental illnesses that deterred her from taking care of herself. The same mental issues that would dictate how she truly lived her life. 


I've never been quiet about the fact I have anxiety and depression. I take one little green pill everyday and that helps me be the very best version of myself. I'm mourning the fact that my mother couldn't find the same peace I did. I mourning the fact that she couldn't find therapy helpful, the way it's saved my life. 

She grew up in the 70's. She was a flower child. She took the 70's to heart. She loved Austin, Tx. I never knew why she did, I think it's because she loved who she was when she lived there. 

My mom wasn't always this mentally ill. In her early life, she loved her kids. She loved being able to play with us. I found my love of reading books due to her reading to me most nights before bed. She loved to cook. She took her creativity to the kitchen and made some of my favorite recipes. I'll forever make her cheesecake. It's one of my favorite things to make. She really loved to feed people. She loved big. She always had a big hug ready for anyone who needed it. 

San Antonio, TX 1984

Mom and Heather (sister) and Tina, my mom's fave dog.

Mom and Dad in 1980's. 

Growing up she always smelled like Clinique Aromatics. 

Holidays were always a big deal. Halloween was one of our favorites. We dressed up and Mom always fostered my love of having a big imagination. She loved the fall. She loved wearing sweaters. If you ever came over to my house growing up, it was a balmy 68-69 degrees all year round. 

My mom had a funny personality. She was very quick witted and had a really great sense of humor. She truly had the best smile. I'm proud that I get this from her. 

There are many great memories that i'll always hold on to, and I pray that over time they will outshine all the bad ones.  

I'll forever be sad that my children were unable to know the mom I once knew. I'll forever be heartbroken that many people in Mom's life won't know her how I did. The hole in my heart will always be there from years to come. 

My relationship with my mother or lack thereof, will be my great life puzzle. I'll probably always need therapy. I'll probably always need a small green pill, but I'm ok with that. I'll never stop advocating for mental health. The best way I know to honor my mother and her memory is to live the best way I know how, mentally sound. I'll always try to incorporate the good my mother put in my life, into my children.

There is one thing I'll tell you is for certain, I'll be ok. I'll always be ok. I have the tools and know all the ways to cope with my sadness. I've endured many traumas in my life and they have yet to make me bitter. I will never allow bitterness take away the joys that life can bring. I hope that anyone reading this that has depression and anxiety, please give yourself permission to find therapy. Therapy can open the door for so many aspects in your life. It sheds light on a different perspective and helps repair years of trauma and pain. The biggest thing therapy can do is help break the chain of addiction in families. 

The healing process isn't always linear. It's a dance, take one step forward, take 10 steps back. Whatever the process looks like, i'll always be dancing.  

I'll always love you, Mom. Always.

Until next time friends. 

Saturday, July 3, 2021

Hello, is this thing on?



Well in true ashley style. it's been one year since i've posted in here. 

So naturally i've come back. 

Does anyone even read blogs anymore? I mean everyone is so glued to stories from IG, I wonder if people actually read anymore. Anywho, this blog has been more for me than for anyone else, so pressing on! 

The last year has probably changed me more than I ever thought possible, for the better, and for the worse. 

Ive been Type A my whole life. I've had much of my days structured and somehow the last year all that got changed. As many of you know i'm a nurse, I switch from Progressive care to the ICU mid-pandemic. If you literally want to see what you're made of, I highly suggest finding a different way of doing this, but if you must, this is also a way to do it. 

I won't go into too many details, but I will tell you no one decides to find themselves in the position most nurses are. I've endured some things that will forever separates me from my normal non-nurse friends that will never be able to relate. Some times carrying that around with you is quite heavy. This really is beyond politics, so don't come at me. 

So when I see much older people without a mask these days, sometimes I do have PTSD. It's going to take a really long time for me to get over this. Vaccines are great and I highly recommend them to everyone. I would love to tell you this pandemic made me a better nurse, but this pandemic has definitely made me a cynical one. I'm getting better about my outlook for non-covids, but my pessimism is really still the same. I've always considered myself to be an emotional person. I will tell you turning off my emotions has been a different side of me. I don't really even know when it happened, but going into the room, doing my job and leaving, has been my coping mechanism. It has helped that family members aren't around for these patients. Phone conversations are still hard, alot of the same questions that you already know the answer to, but can't answer truthfully because you don't want to take away hope, but deep down you just count the days until comfort care is initiated and comfort the family the best way you know how, and then get the room ready to start all over again for the next patient. Yes, it's a revolving door, I guess I just didn't know how quickly the revolving door really works until now.

Needless to say, myself and many of my colleagues will be in therapy for a long time. If you're a nurse reading this, I just want to say you're not alone. We carry this burden together. Many people still think this pandemic is over, and I'm here to tell you it's not. This is also not a way to tell you to live in fear or not live your life, I'm here to say, check on your nurse friends they may appear to be ok on the outside, but that might not always be the case. Also, if you have a doctor friend in your life, check on them too, they carry a heavy burden, they make some major decisions and hope/pray it's the right one. 

That felt really good to get off of my chest. This blog is a real one. It covers all the happy, sad and trying times of my life. 

Switching gears. 

Allie is fully potty trained. There are many struggles we have in this house. Bodily functions have been a struggle since day 1. Eli will be a struggle in the potty training department. He is 2.5 years old and has no desire to use the potty. NONE. Again I'm asking for help, everyone in the interwebs, let me know your potty training magic for BOYS! These pictures are really to help everyone know my kids are actually still growing humans. 

Taking another turn. 

Also. My cat, Louie, who is 14 years old, went missing for 8 days. 8 days. He is old and lost all his fat reserves. I seriously thought he was coyote food. I mean 8 days living next to the mesa in Albuquerque, NM, you make your own conclusions. 

LOW AND BEHOLD. He was holed up in someone's garage. Didn't eat or drink anything for 8 days. Took him to the vet when we retrieved him, he's perfectly fine. Kidneys didn't take a hit due to dehydrations. ALL 8 LIVES HAVE BEEN USED, HE IS LITERALLY LIVING ON HIS ONE LIFE LEFT. 

I don't have another fancy way of making another transition in this post. 

During the last year, I've started knitting. Am I relatively descent at it, NO. Did I need to find something to do with my hands other than scrolling through social media, YES. I've made two blankets, all of which my kids have ignored. It's really just a new obsession for now that I'm hoping will take me to my old age. 

So that's what I got for now. Until next week or next year or whenever I decide to get on another soap box. This is what I got. 

I hope all of you are well and that you go out there and do good things!