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Monday, September 30, 2019

Finding the Good in Goodbye

Writing has always been a therapeutic place for me. Whether it was a post on nothing or a post on something real. Blogging has always been a part of my life's ebb and flow.

During the past month i've done a lot of soul searching.

A lot.

Trying to make sense of what ever life throws at me and for the past month I have not been able to make any sense of the tragedy that happened to my family.

I won't tell you what happened but I will tell you this little life, right here, has changed me forever.

She will forever be 5 months old. It really hurts to write that.

Her name is Cammy.

She loves her stuffed elephant and her Mama's milk.

She looks up to her big brother.

She loves her Daddy, immensely.

I got to meet her once. One time.

Never in my wildest thoughts would I think I would write her Eulogy and perform it. That sentence hurt too.

I've seen and done a lot in my career as a nurse and just living as a human, but this is probably the most traumatic thing i've ever done. How do you write a eulogy for a 5 month old? How do you put into words how much a life meant in such a short time?

How do you do a good enough job to do any of that?

As a mother of small children, I mourn the loss of this child and her mother's loss. I mourn the fact that her mom won't get to any of the things I get to. For weeks, I felt guilt every time I took my children to the park or painting my daughter's toenails on Sunday nights. I forgot how grief can challenge every part of your soul.

However, when I look at her and see her picture, I do see hope. In a weird sort of way life has many lessons it will teach you, if you're willing seek/learn from them.

Living slower. Living in the present.

There have been times in my life I have not lived in the present, just constantly looking to the future and forgetting to enjoy right now. For the first time in 31 years, I understand what living in the present means.

The simple things really are the best. A good cup of coffee on a slow morning is heaven. Watching your kids learn something new and get really excited about it, is also something to be cherished.

Time is finite. There is not enough of it. There never will be. I will not be putting off things tomorrow that I can do today. I will take the best care of myself and my family TODAY.

This post has been sitting on my heart for a bit. I'm glad I got it out there, because sometimes things are better written than said, and sometimes things are too heavy to keep. I hope years from now when I look back on this post, i'll have come a long way, my heart will be a little less broken, and my tears will have dried a bit. I wanted the world to know this little one was here, because she was so loved. She brought a piece of my family back together, more than she will ever know. I hug a little longer, pray a little harder and keep my phone in my back pocket.

Maybe there is good in goodbye, but I haven't found it yet.

Thursday, September 19, 2019

A very special FIRST birthday for ELI!

My baby is ONE. I'm not exactly sure how that happens as fast as it does, but it does.

Eli Andrew Coates is a great many things. He's kind and sweet and in the very same sentiment, he's bold and ready to let you know what he's made of.

He loves to climb. This boy can climb two flights of stairs before you even peel yourself off the couch. Eli is consistently wanting to win the affection of his sister. He always shares his snacks with Allie, even if she initiates the transaction of taking snacks long before he notices.

Eli loves his daddy unconditionally. Eli knows when Matt walks in the door, he knows. He will immediately start making his way towards the garage. He follows Greta's cues of sitting in front of the garage.

So It's been a while since I spoke about Gizmo. He's more little white cat that got herpes that one time and tore my ass up giving me cat scratch fever in college, yes that one. Any who, Eli and Gizmo have such a special bond. Eli will seriously try to rip out all of Gizmo's fur, and Gizmo just looks at him lovingly like, "thats my boy". Weird. If I did that He would rip out my eyes. In case you're wondering Louie is still living. He just hangs out in the garage most days.

Back to our boy, Eli. I'm so proud of who he is, and watching him learn every day is really a gift. Even if it's putting my car keys in the dog's water bowl, or learning he can manipulate most people in his life to carting him around everywhere.

Birthdays are truly something to be celebrated no matter the age. There are so many people that don't get to celebrate birthdays, even little kids. It's my hope that my kids grow up knowing how much they are loved no matter how many presents they get or bad their parents embarrass them.

Here's a special thank you to everyone who showed up for Eli's First Birthday, with all that has been going on the last month, it truly warmed my heart to see so many people come to celebrate one of the most wonderful things in my life, my son.


Here's to many more trips around the sun, my Sweet E baby.