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Monday, September 30, 2019

Finding the Good in Goodbye

Writing has always been a therapeutic place for me. Whether it was a post on nothing or a post on something real. Blogging has always been a part of my life's ebb and flow.

During the past month i've done a lot of soul searching.

A lot.

Trying to make sense of what ever life throws at me and for the past month I have not been able to make any sense of the tragedy that happened to my family.

I won't tell you what happened but I will tell you this little life, right here, has changed me forever.

She will forever be 5 months old. It really hurts to write that.

Her name is Cammy.

She loves her stuffed elephant and her Mama's milk.

She looks up to her big brother.

She loves her Daddy, immensely.

I got to meet her once. One time.

Never in my wildest thoughts would I think I would write her Eulogy and perform it. That sentence hurt too.

I've seen and done a lot in my career as a nurse and just living as a human, but this is probably the most traumatic thing i've ever done. How do you write a eulogy for a 5 month old? How do you put into words how much a life meant in such a short time?

How do you do a good enough job to do any of that?

As a mother of small children, I mourn the loss of this child and her mother's loss. I mourn the fact that her mom won't get to any of the things I get to. For weeks, I felt guilt every time I took my children to the park or painting my daughter's toenails on Sunday nights. I forgot how grief can challenge every part of your soul.

However, when I look at her and see her picture, I do see hope. In a weird sort of way life has many lessons it will teach you, if you're willing seek/learn from them.

Living slower. Living in the present.

There have been times in my life I have not lived in the present, just constantly looking to the future and forgetting to enjoy right now. For the first time in 31 years, I understand what living in the present means.

The simple things really are the best. A good cup of coffee on a slow morning is heaven. Watching your kids learn something new and get really excited about it, is also something to be cherished.

Time is finite. There is not enough of it. There never will be. I will not be putting off things tomorrow that I can do today. I will take the best care of myself and my family TODAY.

This post has been sitting on my heart for a bit. I'm glad I got it out there, because sometimes things are better written than said, and sometimes things are too heavy to keep. I hope years from now when I look back on this post, i'll have come a long way, my heart will be a little less broken, and my tears will have dried a bit. I wanted the world to know this little one was here, because she was so loved. She brought a piece of my family back together, more than she will ever know. I hug a little longer, pray a little harder and keep my phone in my back pocket.

Maybe there is good in goodbye, but I haven't found it yet.

Thursday, September 19, 2019

A very special FIRST birthday for ELI!

My baby is ONE. I'm not exactly sure how that happens as fast as it does, but it does.

Eli Andrew Coates is a great many things. He's kind and sweet and in the very same sentiment, he's bold and ready to let you know what he's made of.

He loves to climb. This boy can climb two flights of stairs before you even peel yourself off the couch. Eli is consistently wanting to win the affection of his sister. He always shares his snacks with Allie, even if she initiates the transaction of taking snacks long before he notices.

Eli loves his daddy unconditionally. Eli knows when Matt walks in the door, he knows. He will immediately start making his way towards the garage. He follows Greta's cues of sitting in front of the garage.

So It's been a while since I spoke about Gizmo. He's more little white cat that got herpes that one time and tore my ass up giving me cat scratch fever in college, yes that one. Any who, Eli and Gizmo have such a special bond. Eli will seriously try to rip out all of Gizmo's fur, and Gizmo just looks at him lovingly like, "thats my boy". Weird. If I did that He would rip out my eyes. In case you're wondering Louie is still living. He just hangs out in the garage most days.

Back to our boy, Eli. I'm so proud of who he is, and watching him learn every day is really a gift. Even if it's putting my car keys in the dog's water bowl, or learning he can manipulate most people in his life to carting him around everywhere.

Birthdays are truly something to be celebrated no matter the age. There are so many people that don't get to celebrate birthdays, even little kids. It's my hope that my kids grow up knowing how much they are loved no matter how many presents they get or bad their parents embarrass them.

Here's a special thank you to everyone who showed up for Eli's First Birthday, with all that has been going on the last month, it truly warmed my heart to see so many people come to celebrate one of the most wonderful things in my life, my son.


Here's to many more trips around the sun, my Sweet E baby.

Tuesday, May 7, 2019

Running, Second Whole 30 and taking a ride on the Potty training struggle bus.


When I start a new month I always try to set some goals i'd like to achieve for the month, never mind it's already the seventh. This month my running goal is 44 miles. Last month I ran 22 miles, so i'd like to double my mileage each month.

We will see if this happens, but as of lately I've strived to become a social runner. I've actually started running with my husband every week. ***he pushes the stroller*** So I feel like a free bird.


If you've ever pushed a stroller full of children while on a 3 mile run, it really sucks. But hey getting that whole body workout in! 

I've also committed to a second Whole 30

For those of you who know what this is, are probably asking yourself, "why girl, why would you do this for the SECOND time"? Well I've committed to this because I wanted to do it with my husband and of course my bestie, Olivia is doing this with us as well.  

If you're unfamiliar what this, it's basically an elimination diet for 30 days. You cut out dairy, legumes, processed foods, alcohol, grains, and ADDED SUGARS. 

THIS IS PROBABLY THE Hardest DETOX I'VE EVER DONE, but it makes you feel so amazing afterward. Detoxing yourself from all the sugar we consume on a Standard American Diet can be extremely difficult.

Really for me, actually wanted to try to complete something hard. I also wanted to see what inflammatory foods made my body feel the worst. I also knew that I needed to make some major changes to my life and needed to break some serious eating habits. 

I found with my first whole 30, the culprit for major aches and stomach issues was dairy. So I cut a major portion out and surprisingly my knees don't ache as much giving me more stamina to run. I also cut out stevia, which I had religiously put in my coffee every single day. I drink my coffee most of the time with Nutpods (almond/coconut milk creamer) or black. I'm anxious to learn something new about myself with this Whole 30 (W30).

The W30 is not a lifestyle diet. This experiment is to create better habits and to see what your body needs to be fueled with. 

If you're thinking about taking the plunge, DO IT. My bestie, Olivia, pushed me to do mine and i'm thankful every day. We literally texted every single day, and swap how we felt, new recipes and how much the sugar withdrawals sucked. 

I'm going to post my experience every week, and give tips and tricks that helped me get through it. 

On a completely unrelated stressful note.... 

My almost three year old is mostly potty trained. However, were still running into a slight snag. 


She will pee on the potty all the live long day, but refuses to poop in the potty. In case you're wondering, my face looks just like this every single time she comes to me and says, "Mama, I pooopedddd, in my PANTIES!!". 

I NEED ALL THE SUGGESTIONS TO HELP ME. She wears panties the majority of the time, except at night when she wears a pull up (which she mostly wakes up dry). 

Is there some kind of magic pixie dust I can purchase, because most of the time i'm throwing all these brand new Vamperina undies away because it's that bad, and that saying something because a RN. 

Other questions for you: 

Has anyone out there completed a Whole 30?

Do you find that you are utilizing what you learned about your experience in your every day life?

Anyone else on the potty training struggle bus? Just me?

Friday, April 12, 2019

That Catch Up Post

Sometimes you literally lose track of time, but now you know this is what it's like being a mom of two under three years old and this is literally everyday.

Hello 2019. Yes, I realize it's April.

Don't worry nothing has changed, still can't get everyone to look at the camera at the same time.

We have some catching up to do. So get comfy and get a cup of tea/beer/something good.

The last I left you, I had just uprooted myself from LA to move to Albuquerque, NM, had a baby and bought a new house.

Talk about a whirlwind.

Allie is nearly a three-ager and is currently potty training.... which is not for the faint of heart. Yes, I'm so tired of buying diapers and pull ups I could scream, but I also now have a fear of being in public with this child who refuses to go #2 in the potty and doesn't give a POOP about going in her undies. #puns The saga continues with that one. She is strong willed and will lose her mind on me in an instant. #three-nageriscoming

Eli is 7 months and hasn't started crawling yet, but its only a matter of time. He also has a slight temper, I'm blaming this on matt. Both of these children will let you know in an instant when something is going the way they need it to. I can't decide who he looks like yet. 

Seriously y'all this time thing scares me. I'm nearly half way through 31 years of age. YIKES.  

This year so far:

  • I have completed a Whole 30. 
  • Joined a mom fitness studio, which has been an amazing thing. #momtribe 
  • Lost 10lbs and 12 inches.
  • Have found a love of the trails again.
  • Started running again. 
  • Survived one bout of RSV, FLU and croup. LUCKY ME. 
It's really amazing to start feeling like yourself again in the postpartum realm. I know I speak for quite a few moms when they feel like they can't hit their stride like they did before. It's weird finding mom friends when you aren't in a social setting like school/work. 

This is an accurate depiction of trying to find a mom club, except everyone has a BOB stroller and Yoga pants. If you aren't a mom yet, come back to this post when you are. 

But I'm gonna be real with you, it's easier to find mom friends in Albuquerque than it ever was in Los Angeles, and I'm ok with that. 

That brings me to talk about my Mom fitness studio that I joined at the end of January, if you're interested and live in the Albuquerque area go here! This place is amazing. I can't tell you how great it's been hanging out with a bunch of ladies who are all in the same boat. From battling ear infections to slobbery children who constantly want to listen to that wretched Baby Shark song. We all work out together and support one another.

This is what I was hoping to find at this point in my life and I've found it, to my Fierce and Fabulous Wonder Women and beyond. You guys are amazing and motivate me every single day. 

My Lovely painted shirt that I have crafted for our challenge. Matt said my lotus flower looks like a vagina. 

#Itoldhimhelookedlikealotusflower  #mindful

I've started running again and loving on the trails again. It's just much harder here at 5000ft elevation. 
I'm slow and it aint pretty, but here's to making it happen every week whether my milage is 10 miles or 2 miles. 

#thiscatiseverything #probablymyfavoritethingaboutthispost

My babes are super healthy after Allie contracted FLU type A (she had the Flu Shot) and croup within a two week period and Eli having RSV over Christmas. 

Here's to hoping and praying we can get to summer without anymore illness.

One of my best friends of all time came to visit and paint with us. Uncle Dan you better get yourself back to the ABQ soon. 

Any who, I have no idea when I will pop in again, hopefully sooner rather than later but thanks for listening to all my rambles. 

Questions for you: 

Give me your potty training wisdom..... I'm fairly certain this girl would be in adult Depends if I let her. Best tricks for going #2 in the potty???

What songs are on your running playlists??

What motivates you to keep running?

Do you find running with a group helps? I've always been a lone runner but I don't want to be anymore. I find it way to easy for me to slow down.