Week 22: I stopped waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel, and lit that bitch up myself.

 Week 22: This week has proven to be great and trying all at the same time. 

I've always said I'd let my body let me know when enough is enough. Well at Week 22, my body had enough. It's the most stressed out i've been in a while. 

The other day I was out of ratio for the day because only 4 RNs showed up to care for 14 patients. 

THIS IS NEVER OK FOR THE ICU. ICU RNS ARE REALLY ONLY SUPPOSED TO HAVE 2 PATIENTS AT A TIME. WE CANNOT ADEQUATELY CARE FOR MORE THAN THAT AND HAVE SAFE OUTCOMES. I HAD 3 PATIENTS AND WAS HELPING OUT WITH AN EXTRA PATIENT. 4 CRITICAL PATIENTS. I didn't get to drink much water this day. I didn't go to the bathroom. I didn't take care of myself. 

I've been living a double life for a while. One at work and one at home. Most people's lives coincide and you can live that way, mine can't, not healthily anyways.  

I love the ICU. I think that I've always been an ICU RN at heart. I don't want covid to change this but being preggo and trying to juggle has come to a head. It was a really hard decision, but I'm not leaving nursing altogether. Never, could I do this, but I'm going to take some time for my family which incidentally has taken the back burner since this new wave has started, and really hit New Mexico in August. 

Emotionally I am spent, the tragedy I see on a normal basis shouldn't be a reality. It's heartbreaking and it's breaking broken my spirit.  I know I speak for healthcare workers when I say this. All of us feel this way. I don't see this wave dissipating for awhile at least not until people decide that vaccines are the way to go. 

When I hear people bitch about wearing a mask, it makes me want to shake them. If anyone has seen the tragedy behind the closed doors of our ICU, they wouldn't never question wearing a mask. I'm going to reel myself in right now, because this could turn into a long tangent that I don't have the strength to fight right now. I'm just so tired of bagging up bodies right now. When it becomes an every day occurrence it's too much. 

My disposition has always been pretty bright and bubbly, but I really feel this year has dimmed it quite a bit. I'm the most cynical i've ever been and my compassion is just not there. 

This is healthcare right now.  

This is not me. I will not let this destroy anymore of my happiness. I love my coworkers and I believe in all the good we do everyday, but I must jump off this sinking ship for now. 

Changing gears. 

I ran my first 5K in a long time. Running is something I haven't been able to really do too much this pregnancy, because of needing to pee every 5 minutes. However, baby has finally moved positions and allowing a reprieve for my bladder. Well I still had to find a bush to pee in, but it was great. Doing this with some of my favorite people brought me so much joy. 

I will not lie, being around people in this live race gave me quite a bit of anxiety, but that's something that I'll work through. It won't be a pretty process, but as long as I try, I know it will get better. 

It has been months since I've had this much fun. Truly. 

THEN in the afternoon we had Tea at Los Poblanos. If you ever come to Albuquerque, NM, you have to go to Los Poblanos. This little place is a lavender farm/farm shop/restaurant/inn and it is literally the most whimsical place you could find yourself. 

I have to say truly the best part of my day are the people I shared it with. People that love you in some of your darkest times, and still want to hang out with you. Those are your people. 

Baby stats this week: 

Baby is moving and actually doing quite well. We had an ultrasound last week and everything looks perfect. Could I ask for anything better? No. So i'm counting my blessings this week and every week. 

Cravings: Celery. No clue why. I mean, I do love Celery quite a bit normally, but it's been satisfying this week. Anything with tomatoes. So weird. I'm all about tomato basil soup right now. 

Aversions: Beef. Can't do it. Doesn't sound good. The other meats are ok. 

I'm hoping taking time off will help me focus on what is important, my mental health and the wellness of my family. I hoping to spend time with friends and gain back a light in my life that i've allowed to become dim. There is always hope. 

I stopped waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel and lit that bitch up myself. I saw this quote the other day and really took it to heart. I hope everyone finds the courage do this at some point in their life. I really do. 

Until next time!