This week I had started on a really low note. Things aren't going very well at work, not personally but just the feel of the ICU. It really is so different from last year. Young people are dying for no good reason other than the C-19 (and unvaccinated) and it's heart breaking.
Let me say that again, it's really fucking heart breaking.
We coded a 20 year old. 20. Years. Old. There was nothing we could do to save him. Nothing.
Do you know how that makes me feel?
Worthless. Defeated. These adjectives are to name a few.
This is my reality.
Every week.
Every shift.
This is what is asked of a critical care nurse.
I've advocated many, many times for therapy. It's really a part of my daily life. I see my therapist 2x a month, which has really served me well. I feel like every time i've gone to therapy I always leave feeling much better than when I started my session. This week we touched on how the grieving process of my mother, but then we switched gears and talked about my experiences at work. For the most part, being a pregnant ICU nurse, I feel ok. I have really, really sad days, but mostly i'm able to leave those experiences at work and not think about them at home. I am fortunate. However, I would be lying to you if I didn't also grieve the loss of some of my patients at home. I guess that's the empathy part of being a nurse and what makes me human. If you think things don't affect nurses and docs the same way you're affected in the real world you'd be wrong.
I think most health care workers right now feel like a sponge that is over-saturated. There is too much water and the water needs to be wrung out. The water represents feelings, emotions, over-stimulation of grief. Something really important my therapist told me is that we need to rid the water when we can. We need to get rid of things that don't serve us in the moment. It's absolutely true. For me it's blocking out the noise of social media and picking up a book. Or playing with my children and getting rid of the outside world for just a bit. This doesn't mean i'm sticking my head in the sand, it means i'm able to be mindful and stay in the moment.
I don't write this post for sympathy. I write this as a perspective of my on-going therapy/life and hope that someone else is able to relate or feel less alone.
Something I get a lot these days:"Well you don't have to do this, you can just quit".
It's true. I can.
Some people feel called to ministering to the poor. You don't do it because you have to, you do it because you're hoping in some small way, you can make a difference. I guess i'm not ready to hang my hat up because I feel like in the wake of something horrible, I want to make a small bit of difference. Even if it means that the outcome won't be favorable. Or maybe years from now, the experiences that I've had over the last year will serve me better as a health care professional. I guess I won't know until I know.
Lots of big feels this week, but in a good way. Our thoughts are much better out in the open than the ones we ever keep in our head... it's a-lot less heavier that way.
On to much lighter topics like my hair.
Shout out to my friend, Ashley, who singlehandedly helped me track (stalk) down my stylist who left the studio I normally go to. Anywho I found her and she worked her magic!! If you're in the ABQ area and need a great stylist, I have one and am happy to message her contact!!
Ok we need to touch on my hair. In 33 years, I've never dyed my hair. never had a weird phase in high school or College with pink hair. I've pretty much maintained the same thing until now. At first, I didn't know if I was going to like it. I have to say I woke up this morning and feel like i'm new again.
My mood was lighter. I did something for me. Something different. In times like these, it's so easy to give up all of yourself to something without saving a piece of your soul for yourself. I feel like i'm able to hold on to a little bit more every week without expending all my energy into something that doesn't always serve me back.
Baby stats for Week 16.
This is the week, I began feeling pregnant. My hips felt a little less pliable this week. Much of my time is spent on my feet, my children have no remorse for my condition. They expect us to go, go, go as much as possible. I also am able to see my bump. A sweet little bump i've been longing to see for 16 weeks. Honestly to the whole world it really still looks like a food baby or a beer belly at best.
I have another anatomy scan this next week, which I'm very excited for. This pregnancy gives me so much to look forward to.
Cravings: I am all about savory foods this week. I'm back on avocado and eggs. I can eat pork because it's salty to match my attitude these days.
Aversions: Meat. I still only find veggie options.
This is the week that I felt this little bebe move. I thought it was gas. Turns out it was a baby. He's already a mover and a shaker and he brightens my mood every single day.
Anywho friends, here's to all the brighter days ahead and all the good times that will be here again.
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