Hello, is this thing on?

Hi. 

Hello. 

Well in true ashley style. it's been one year since i've posted in here. 

So naturally i've come back. 

Does anyone even read blogs anymore? I mean everyone is so glued to stories from IG, I wonder if people actually read anymore. Anywho, this blog has been more for me than for anyone else, so pressing on! 

The last year has probably changed me more than I ever thought possible, for the better, and for the worse. 

Ive been Type A my whole life. I've had much of my days structured and somehow the last year all that got changed. As many of you know i'm a nurse, I switch from Progressive care to the ICU mid-pandemic. If you literally want to see what you're made of, I highly suggest finding a different way of doing this, but if you must, this is also a way to do it. 

I won't go into too many details, but I will tell you no one decides to find themselves in the position most nurses are. I've endured some things that will forever separates me from my normal non-nurse friends that will never be able to relate. Some times carrying that around with you is quite heavy. This really is beyond politics, so don't come at me. 

So when I see much older people without a mask these days, sometimes I do have PTSD. It's going to take a really long time for me to get over this. Vaccines are great and I highly recommend them to everyone. I would love to tell you this pandemic made me a better nurse, but this pandemic has definitely made me a cynical one. I'm getting better about my outlook for non-covids, but my pessimism is really still the same. I've always considered myself to be an emotional person. I will tell you turning off my emotions has been a different side of me. I don't really even know when it happened, but going into the room, doing my job and leaving, has been my coping mechanism. It has helped that family members aren't around for these patients. Phone conversations are still hard, alot of the same questions that you already know the answer to, but can't answer truthfully because you don't want to take away hope, but deep down you just count the days until comfort care is initiated and comfort the family the best way you know how, and then get the room ready to start all over again for the next patient. Yes, it's a revolving door, I guess I just didn't know how quickly the revolving door really works until now.

Needless to say, myself and many of my colleagues will be in therapy for a long time. If you're a nurse reading this, I just want to say you're not alone. We carry this burden together. Many people still think this pandemic is over, and I'm here to tell you it's not. This is also not a way to tell you to live in fear or not live your life, I'm here to say, check on your nurse friends they may appear to be ok on the outside, but that might not always be the case. Also, if you have a doctor friend in your life, check on them too, they carry a heavy burden, they make some major decisions and hope/pray it's the right one. 

That felt really good to get off of my chest. This blog is a real one. It covers all the happy, sad and trying times of my life. 

Switching gears. 

Allie is fully potty trained. There are many struggles we have in this house. Bodily functions have been a struggle since day 1. Eli will be a struggle in the potty training department. He is 2.5 years old and has no desire to use the potty. NONE. Again I'm asking for help, everyone in the interwebs, let me know your potty training magic for BOYS! These pictures are really to help everyone know my kids are actually still growing humans. 

Taking another turn. 

Also. My cat, Louie, who is 14 years old, went missing for 8 days. 8 days. He is old and lost all his fat reserves. I seriously thought he was coyote food. I mean 8 days living next to the mesa in Albuquerque, NM, you make your own conclusions. 

LOW AND BEHOLD. He was holed up in someone's garage. Didn't eat or drink anything for 8 days. Took him to the vet when we retrieved him, he's perfectly fine. Kidneys didn't take a hit due to dehydrations. ALL 8 LIVES HAVE BEEN USED, HE IS LITERALLY LIVING ON HIS ONE LIFE LEFT. 

I don't have another fancy way of making another transition in this post. 

During the last year, I've started knitting. Am I relatively descent at it, NO. Did I need to find something to do with my hands other than scrolling through social media, YES. I've made two blankets, all of which my kids have ignored. It's really just a new obsession for now that I'm hoping will take me to my old age. 

So that's what I got for now. Until next week or next year or whenever I decide to get on another soap box. This is what I got. 

I hope all of you are well and that you go out there and do good things!